Zombielanche

Great fucking news. Turns out that global warming could lead to the reintroduction of certain species long extinct. Species like Titanoboa, the largest snake ever. Forty feet long. Fuck that. Some extinctions I’m fine with. Like the extinctions of 40-foot snakes that eat alligators. Here’s what this news makes me want to do: I want to go to the Smithsonian where they just unveiled a replica of Titanoboa. I want to take John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, and Ronald Reagan’s ghost up to the 40-foot snake replica and say: “Look at this. This is the future. Your children getting chased by these fucking snakes. If your kid was trying to get away on a pony Titanoboa would eat the pony too. Which of you still thinks that we should ignore global warming?” I know how it would go. Boehner would start crying. Rush Limbaugh’s would say it’s not a snake. He’d claim it’s a poodle or a painkiller hallucination. And Ronald Reagan’s ghost? Ronald Reagan would fight that snake but ghosts, ghosts can’t fight. And since Ron Reagan is dead we’d all be fucked.